You make some good points but really they are your idealistic observations if you'll forgive me for saying so.
Yes, playing with a well organised (open) squad is the way to play but in my experience, it isn't all that common to find one that's actually playing the same objective. Instead, it'll be fragmented and the squad leader will be off flying a plane or something.
Two guys with stingers can make a big dent on maps like Flood Zone. Even on Golmud Railway a single stinger guy can discourage a fairly sizable area like points C/A and B from the helos even if you can't take them out completely, the constant lock on gets annoying. But if they've got a repair guy going at it nonstop you've got to admit it's not possible to take them out at all. And I've only come across squads with more than one stinger guy on a handful of occasions (chiefly being in response to me piloting a transport chopper with a couple of gunners on Guilin Peaks). We were dominating so I guess there frustration forced them to equip stingers. They were far more effective in dealing with us for sure.
I've only ever heard a commander talk over comms once. As commander myself, I'm learning just to give orders that follow what a squad leader is doing as people rarely pay attention though the good squads do once you've built up a rapport with them (and this takes time). You do you see, offer idealistic points I feel though I'm only going by my own (admittedly long term) experience from playing chiefly BF2 and BF4 that on the whole, the games are pretty anarchic and chaotic.
So, you're a member of a clan or you just have a few mates that you more casually play with? It's been a long time since I played alongside guys I know in Battlefield but using comms and having a singular objective is a must really if you want to play the game as effectively as you can. Having balanced teams isn't really possible I suppose, unless it's organised from the outset. That would be good to see, even better to experience a professional type of game going on to see what really could be achievable. I guess that's a major frustration to see the potential of the game and have it fall so far short of that 99% of the time. We did have some very close games last night whilst I was commanding. It was good to see more balanced teams actually as your experience on Hainin Resort is quite common. I personally feel it's important to try and hold your two capture points (say A and B if playing as US or E and D if China) and then try and hold the central point C as best as possible. All too often we'd lose say point A which means it's really easy for people to spawn and flank and capture B. I'd see squad leaders drive right past A a lot even with the UAV drone flying and it showing there was no enemy there even. [censored] dumbnuts that they were. Felt like using the comms and yelling at them really.
DICE have some good ideas but so far the tablet one needs a lot more work and as for listing servers by their populated player size, I've finally found a fix. You've got to first scroll down the list and a long way at that to get the populated servers to show, then importantly not to refresh as you'd expect as DICE's system doesn't load much more than say 20 servers on screen at a time and the vast majority of them are always empty so it is a broken and frankly stupid system they've got: again, it's a great innovation but poorly executed as it is if it doesn't work. I'm surprised you didn't notice but I guess you might be playing differently: I am in the habit of just refreshing the server list to see what's available rather than going through favourites/history or selecting to just randomly join a game. Nothing worse than joining a server where everyone's playing the same stupid map over and over again in hardcore rush mode with only pistols allowed or something.